image via floodlove.net

The friendzone, according to Urban Dictionary, is a “particularly aggravating metaphorical place [where] people end up… when someone they’re interested in only wants to be friends.”

Sometimes, as in the preceding example, this manifests itself when a new person you’re dating decides to end the romantic or sexual pursuit and transition into friendship. It appears as a standing friendship with unrequited love: one person wants to move the relationship into something “more,” but the other, disinterested person will not allow it.

It stinks in either case when you’re the interested party.

Surprisingly, being on the receiving end of unrequited love can be painful, especially when it’s wrapped up in entitlement. This is what makes the friend zone so difficult to discuss.

because yes, both biologically and psychologically. The friend zone does exist. The feeling of being rejected is very real. Using a sociocultural lens, on the other hand, helps us understand how our conceptualization of an idea affects (and even harms) other people.

We must exercise caution in how we think about and discuss the friend zone experience.

When our hearts are broken — when the love we want to give isn’t returned — we experience what psychologists refer to as “love rejection.” This affects our neurobiology, or the hormonal makeup of our systems.

In fact, it can leave us feeling desperate.

And the change in your body and mind—where you’re frustrated, panicked, angry, or depressed—is real.

When we are rejected, our cortisol (a stress hormone) rises, causing our serotonin (a mood stabilizer) to fall. This causes our brain to release dopamine (a pleasure-seeking hormone), which causes norepinephrine to be produced (which makes us highly excitable and prone to memory-making).

Surprisingly, a similar chemical reaction occurs when we fall in love. When we’re crushing on someone, our hormone-driven obsessive, compulsive, and addiction-like behavior is met with the reward we’re looking for (love).

During a period of love rejection, however, while the hormones that cause anxiety are high and the ones that keep us stable are low, our emotions are left to run high without reward.

Unfortunately, there is no logical reason (really, stop looking) why our love isn’t being returned. Searching for one frequently leads to nothing more than intensely anxious and even angry emotions.

It can even lead to “abandonment rage,” in which we act out against the person we believe “abandoned” (or, in this case, friend-zoned) us as a result of our desperation.

And, while it can and does make us feel bad, we don’t get to vent on other people. It is normal to have a strong negative reaction to being rejected (in fact, after a breakup, 40 percent of people experience moderate depressive symptoms, and 12 percent of people experience severe ones). However, experiencing rejection is normal in and of itself.

“I was rejected, and it hurts,” is one thing. To say, “I was friend-zoned, and it’s unfair,” is quite another thing. The former expresses empathy and compassion for both you and the person who rejected you, recognizing a common human experience. The latter implies that you were rejected and that you are now trapped in an unjust situation from which you have earned the right to escape through reciprocity.

That’s when we run into trouble.

The main issue with the friend zone is how it is used.

The mockery with which we discuss the friend zone reveals a lot about how we think about it. We don’t see it as simply a mismatch in how two people want to engage in a relationship. Many people regard it as an offense committed by one person against another.

And this is especially visible in relationships between men (especially the more social power they have on axes like race and orientation) and gender minorities, where men have been socialized to believe they are entitled to sexual or romantic relationships with whomever they want, thanks to media perceptions (seriously, have you ever seen a rom-com?) and other factors.

The concept of the “friend zone,” in particular, as a subset or specific experience of love rejection, implies a number of untruths that must be challenged:

Myth number one is that friendship is less valuable than sexual or romantic relationships.
The idea that friendship is a second-rate position is at the heart of the friend zone. That one has been demoted.

It’s not surprising that we would conceptualize the friend zone in this way in a society where romantic and familial relationships are frequently prioritized over other dynamics. But the truth is that friendship is priceless. More than that, it’s effective.

Platonic intimacy, and our desire for it, may be making a comeback. With apps like Bumble BFF and Friender, as well as the frequently asked question, “How do you make friends as an adult?” it’s clear that people are looking for more than sex and romance.

Equalizing its importance—seeing friendship as central rather than supplemental—will get us a long way away from believing the friend zone is an embarrassment.

Myth 2: In exchange for kindness, people owe us sex or romance.
I had a good friend in high school who was madly in love with me. He was a wonderful person with whom I enjoyed spending time. But he would approach me on a near-weekly basis, asking why, oh why, I wasn’t dating him yet. He’d lament, “I’m doing everything I can!” with a laundry list of ways he’d been nice to me.

Being kind to someone — indeed, being a friend!—does not imply receiving sex or love in return. If you’re being nice to someone in the hopes of getting laid, I have some bad news for you: you’re not being very nice. You’re being deceptive.

Myth #3: We are entitled to the relationships we desire.
Entitlement is the belief that those of us with social power (men, white people, etc.) should be able to get what we want simply because we live in a society that tells us we deserve it. We can become irritated when we are denied something we believe is rightfully ours if we are accustomed to less friction in getting our way.

People, on the other hand, are not things. People have autonomy — needs, boundaries, and desires — including the right to choose how they spend their time, energy, and bodies. And if someone wants to be friends with you instead of sexual or romantic partners, they have the right to do so. It is your responsibility, regardless of the pain it may cause, to respect it.

While being rejected by someone you like stinks, the attitude that they have now taken something from you is unhelpful — and even harmful. Entitlement — the belief that we deserve and should expect something — has no place in relationships.

Rethink the friend zone.

Take an anarchist approach to relationships: All relationship structures are equal, rather than hierarchical, and how we approach each relationship in terms of what it entails is mutually and respectfully determined.

Because, while rejection is painful, friendship is not. And we should all consider ourselves fortunate to be included in any zone that someone we care about provides.